I found out that it can be deleterious to be so pertinacious.

Usually , that is evinced through a hard way.

Fate is something that is so unfathomable. However , in retrospect , I never did regret in any decisions/acts. Sometimes , a lot of things are not within our ability to control and predict. Let it go , and turn reality into motivation. It may be tough , but in the process one will get to learn and discover alot of himself/herself. It's not entirely an all-lose situation if one delves in this aspect.

There are lots of things that need to be rectified , and to be proved. Thank god , I seek solace in the fact that I hadn't lost my sense of direction and focus. Goals are still to be attained and pursued.

It's an arduous journey ahead.

Draw out your swords , my comrades.
Slash and burn out the obstacles ahead.

Winning in all areas which one who are capable of are all that it matters.

It's funny how sometimes a person can be feeling rather peaceful but in the next moment became affected. Just like the weather I guess.

It was raining the whole day , but it rained even more in my heart.

I love being contemplative. That's because I always tend to self-reflect often. Like for instance , at the end of a day , I will ask myself what have I achieved..what did I do to cause some reactions from other people etc. I do think of why some people around me behave the way they behave too , which sometimes left me bewildered as well as amused if u get what I mean.

However , the greatest mock lies within myself. I tend to realise this much often through various channels. Often I lay in bed thinking , or by taking a long shower , or even by listening to Gui Ji , which I listen to every school-day morning for 15 mins in my room while preparing for school. I guess this is a veracity that not everybody knows. No particular reason why I listen to Gui Ji almost everyday , but it just happens to be my most favourite song. I guess it happens to be an epitome depiction of my life.

I think self-reflection is important. I also ask myself the following questions :

1) Why am I not good enough to stay consistently at the top in terms of academic results ?
2) Why are my efforts denied again and again ?
3) Why am I not among the fittest ?
4) In what ways am I inferior to the guy a girl likes ?
5) Why is fate always playing tricks on me ?
6) Why my life seems to be destined just for disappointments ?

Then I always come to this conclusion : I am just not good enough , not enough effort put in.

You know , this is not immersing in self-pity. These are just substantive facts , it's just purely dereliction of my abilities. Besides , I am well past the period of indulging in despondency. All these just fires me up to push beyond the limits.

I just wanna be extricated from all these disappointments , can I ?

NAPFA test today...

Sit-Ups : A ( Expected an A so this was no surprise)

Shuttle-Run : B ( Yes , I fucked it up. Just 0.1 sec less I will get my A. Anyway , I was too lazy to run again + the ground was not in tip-top condition for my sliding technique to function properly. )

Standing Broad Jump : C ( No complains I guess , with much lesser expectations as I grow older)

Sit & Reach : D ( usual standard )

Pull - Ups : D ( Shock of the day : I PULLED 5 !!)

2.4 km : C ( usual standard)

Conclusion : I PASSED MY NAPFA !!!!!!!

Yes , as you can see , I am very much elated.

Would like to thank the following people :

1) Miss Audrey (she was so encouraging and told me that I must believe in myself. I did it)
2) Alvyn ( he motivated me to chiong finished the 6th lap of 2.4 km)
3) Myself (thanks for sleeping early the previous night to have enough rest)
4) My motivation. =) ( especially needed when running 2.4 and clearing the bars. It may be something , or even a person , I leave that to your imagination.)
5) Miss Lee ( proved to her that I won't have to see her for afternoon PE for the rest of this year. Will miss her "jokes" though.)

There will be no PTP for me. So that means I don't have to enlist early. This also means that I can have a wider variety of choices of how I am going to revamp my image after A levels and also for prom. One thing for sure , the black hair has to be gone.

However , I think I really need to start training up because my level of fitness isn't exactly in tip-top condition. But I will leave that in December for intensive training. Right now , studies come in first priority. I will still work out whenever I am free though. I will still occasionally join my friend for pull-ups session because he still has to suffer afternoon PE due to pull-up problems.

Can't wait for this week to end for a long weekend of break from this mundane routine that I lead everyday.

Corrinne May's songs are really addictive. They are been played repeatedly in my Window Media Player these days.

Today is a different day from the past days of this week.

- Slept at 1:30 am this morning and woke up at 10:30 am. (full 9 hours of sleep)
- Winning 11 after washing up + had brunch too. (enjoyed the cheap thrill of thrashing opponents by at least 3 goals)
- Shopping with a friend in the late afternoon (ended up only I am the 1 buying stuffs)
- Dinner (managed to resist the temptation of eating heaty food , had duck rice instead)
- Home by 8:30 pm.

Rather relaxed now. I guess that's satiation in me each time I managed to buy stuffs , be it clothes..accessories..or even a fresh hair cut. Anyway it's back to reality now , I am still struggling with my cla homework while typing this entry.

Contrary to popular belief , I am not frivolous when it comes to dealings with financial matters. It's rather the opposite , in which I am actually meticulous over money. Even though I am given the carte blanche to manage my own money which constitute of weekly allowance and private savings , I don't have the habit of indulging in perfunctories. When it comes to personal spending , I spend when I feel that it is necessary to spend. Same logic applies to when I feel that it is worth for me to invest in gifts for friends/loved ones. In fact , most of the time I find myself investing more in others than for myself. Not that I mind , if the person deserves it. It always warms my heart , when the person is genuinely touched. It goes to show that my sincerity and efforts are not overlooked.

Actually I was being selected to attend college day today through drawing lots again in class. Of course , I didn't go. I am not going to be a redundant fool looking at people getting prizes on stage while I am sitting below the stage. Twice being selected through drawing lots. Tell me what's next ? Am really sick of it. Oh , I didnt go to the volleyball finals too. Sure , I am nonchalant about it. Reason ? - I feel detached from the school community.

Often I find myself thinking of the future. The world is real unfair , but it always makes me wonder , is life ever going to perpetual like this ? I am constantly seeking the right answers to these ubiquitous questions.

There's nothing wrong being a cynic , but just ensure that one doesn't fall into the trap of despondency. However , seize the opportunity to self-reflect.

Often I ask myself : Do you want to be somebody ? Or continue being a nobody ?

Obviously , to remain stagnant in this crazy world is suicidal.

The only thing to break out of this conformity is to constantly improve in all areas I am capable of. My lifelong motto is turning reality into motivation. Only when happiness and success are being reached in equilibrium , then the sweetness will be formulated. Everything will seem to take their places in the world of utopia then.

Until then , judging by the current situation , there's still a long way to go.

I really like the song Xing Guang You Le Yuan by Twins. With their soothing and saccharine vocals , one finds himself/herself easy to fall prey to diabetes. Ok , this is just an exaggerating statement. Nonetheless , it is a song for those who are sweet in love. For my case , it is a song for me to immerse in when I feel that I should be detached from reality once in a while.

Look at the date today - 05/05/05

Is gonna be a thousand years later or something when u have this kind of thing.

So I am gonna blog.

My room just went through a revamp and now it looks pretty neat and tidy for a conducive environment to study. It will become my most favourite hangout from now onwards I suppose.

Kinda sortened out thinkings these days , especially after the Labour Day long weekend. From now on , is best to concentrate forces on areas that I am confident that I will do well on. On the other hand , let those unnecessary stuffs which I have been struggling to put on my best effort die off. It may seems hard , but just let it die off. After all , I find it pointless to continue to venture into areas which you know eventually you will hoist a white flag. You may say that one must at least try before coming to a conclusion but this time round is different. Tell me how would you feel when you were rather excited and relinquished the chance of realising something to be true till you were losing sleep the previous night , only to find your hopes crushed. I dun want to be affected by yet another wave of disappointments again and again. It always seems that my life is always destined for disappointments and is really unfair.

I believe I deserve better.

I am a melancholic and sentimental person , even though I look as if I dun give a damn to anything happening around me. I won't delude myself by having a blog whereby everyday seems to be a happy entry and using teensy languages like (=D , =P , wahahaha , hahahaha , hees) that kind of thing. I guess everybody view this world in a different perspective. Maybe if one prefers to be left in solitude at times , maybe he/she will understand. Or if he/she gets tired of receiving disappointments too often than a normal person does.

Ah well , that's life. I should be off to bed by this time but I am rather reluctant to. Enjoying the serenity of the night , with a sentimental song by Twins playing softly in the background. What a beautiful portrait.

Serenity = Reminds me of a person's name.

I wonder if is just pure admiration , or that I really like her.